Leprechauns Page 4

  CHAPTER 4

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  What Do They Eat and Drink?

  The leprechaun is usually described as a “fairy shoemaker,” but, as we shall see later, this is not always true. Many leprechauns do not need to work, as they often know the whereabouts of ancient treasure that can keep them in the manner to which they wish to become accustomed. Some of them do not work at all. And perhaps it is just as well, for most leprechauns have an inherent weakness: they are all exceptionally fond of strong drink, particularly poteen.

  To say that illicit spirits are an integral part of leprechaun culture would be something of an understatement. Indeed, much of the leprechaun’s day revolves around the manufacture and consumption of the same. The leprechaun’s constitution must be an extremely sturdy one, for not only does the creature consume staggering amounts of liquor (enough to render several battalions of strong mortal men senseless), but the concoction he drinks is so impure that it would be positively fatal to mortals. As has already been stated, hygiene is not a big consideration in the leprechaun’s world, and this lack of cleanliness is often evident in the distilling process.

  Distilling from Anything

  The leprechaun will use almost any abandoned mortal domestic utensil as a basis for his “still”—an old pot, an earthen jar, a kettle coated in rust. The impurities the raw spirit might absorb from these vessels appear to be of little concern to him, as long as the end result can be drunk. He will distill his spirit from all sorts of available rubbish—old potato peelings, bits of old turnip, carrots, and so on—as well as from the conventional barley grain.

  In most cases, leprechauns do not distill for profit (in other words, they do not sell the results of their efforts—although a very few may do so on occasion); they prepare the majority of their brews for their own consumption. Consequently, few of them are seen without a quart jug somewhere nearby, from which they will take a swig from time to time.

  RAISE A GLASS

  Although it was illegal for centuries in Ireland to distill poteen, as of 2008 it has become legal (although it’s still illegal in Northern Ireland). According to European Union regulations, all real poteen must come from Ireland. It’s brewed in a small pot; the Irish word for such a pot is pota. Hence the name of the drink.

  The sprite’s occupation of ruined castles and houses adds to the availability of distilling space, and old cupboards or niches can quickly be converted into areas in which spirit production can take place. As well as manufacturing spirits, the leprechaun is also extremely adept at preparing wines, ales, and beers, which he drinks with consummate gusto. Despite the large quantities of liquor he imbibes, and despite the fact that he is often extremely tipsy, the leprechaun is seldom so drunk that he can be easily caught by a mortal hunter or by a scavenging animal or bird. Even in an inebriated state, he can still move with surprising speed and alacrity.

  Human Drink

  Leprechauns also enjoy drink that has been spilled from human glasses. Some leprechauns will sit invisibly in public houses, trying to jog the elbows of the drinkers so they will spill a sup of stout or a small measure of whiskey for the leprechaun’s convenience. If a drop is spilled, it is customary to say, “Here’s a drop for you, little fellow,” to ensure good luck on the coming day. If it is cleaned up too hastily (that is, before the leprechaun can sup it up), misfortune may descend not only upon the individual drinker but upon the licensed establishment.

  The sprites will also hang around the doorways of houses in the hope that some drink will accidentally be spilled inside. This holds a number of grave dangers for them. The foremost of these is that the owner of the house may throw out water at the end of the day, drenching the little fellow as he waits invisibly in the evening light. If this happens, the leprechaun is, understandably, not best pleased, and he may take some form of revenge against the household concerned. It is therefore prudent to shout a warning before throwing water out into the dusk. A common warning might be “Hugitas, ugitas, uisce salach!” (“Away, away, dirty water!”) Upon hearing this, all fairy creatures know to withdraw from the immediate vicinity of the door for fear of being splashed.

  LUCKY LEPRECHAUN

  For those looking for a leprechaun-themed drink, this is something to try on St. Patrick’s Day.

  1 fluid ounce Southern Comfort

  1/2 fluid ounce Midori melon liqueur

  1/2 fluid ounce Malibu rum

  6 fluid ounces pineapple juice

  1 dash blue curaçao

  1 lime wedge

  Mix all liquids in glass or shaker and pour over ice. Garnish with lime wedge.

  Leprechauns are not terribly partial to other human drinks such as tea or coffee, although they will sample a cup if there is nothing else available. It is thought that the caffeine in both beverages will bring out itchy welts and blotches, similar to hives in a human being, and will leave the fairy feeling uncomfortable. If all else fails, the leprechaun will drink spring water (but not tap water), although he will do so with an ill grace, muttering and complaining all the while. Leprechauns and water are not terribly compatible. He will do his best to avoid fizzy drinks such as soda, as these will make him bloated and queasy. It is therefore better for him to stick to supping poteen—the drink he knows best.

  Food

  Generally speaking, leprechauns will eat roughly the same food as humans. The few accounts we have of fairy food suggest that it is not terribly substantial or filling, and while it may suit the trooping fairies—who are always very fussy about their figures—it is hardly fit for a hungry leprechaun who has no such worries. However, his tastes are very plain, and he will not eat sweet biscuits or fancy side dishes, simply because he does not like them. Nor will he touch processed food, so cans of beans, peas, or pasta in tomato sauce are practically poison to him. Being a traditionalist, he is wary of any sort of foreign food. Curries, kebabs, and Chinese food are all anathema to him, although a few of the sprites have been known to eat the topping off pizza (but only if it is made with fresh tomatoes and cheese).

  Traditionally speaking, the leprechaun is known to consume large quantities of potatoes, washed down with either poteen or sweet milk. He is also partial to the occasional side of beef or chicken leg when he can get them, and he has been known to raid the larders of sleeping mortals in order to obtain these delicacies.

  Crumbs from the Table

  Generally, the leprechaun contents himself with whatever crumbs and scraps he can take from the tables of humans. If a morsel of food falls to the ground, it immediately becomes his property and should not be retrieved. In certain parts of Ireland—for example, Connemara—crusts of bread, and other pieces of food that had been discarded or dropped, were traditionally placed on a convenient window ledge as a kind of “offering” to the leprechauns.

  There are, however, a number of delicacies which are specific to leprechauns and detrimental to mortals. For example, leprechauns, like many other fairies, find mushrooms and other fungi of varying types particularly tasty.

  Fungi

  Toadstools, in particular, are often the basis of the leprechauns’ nourishing broths (nourishing to them, that is, since most humans would find such a concoction extremely poisonous). And among their most famous foods is the so-called “fairy butter,” a soft, cheese-like fungus that grows on the boles of very old trees. This is the central ingredient in most fairy cookery—particularly baking. On no account should a human eat this mold, for it will be found to be at best almost tasteless, at worst poisonous. In the fairy world, however, this butter is used both as a condiment and as a relish, and leprechauns keep great stores of it near their dwellings—so if a mortal comes across the fungus growing at the base of a tree, there is sure to be a leprechaun’s house somewhere close by.

  The roots of the silverweed, too, are especially sought after by the little men. They are used as the basis of many soups and stews, which the sprites prepare in small iron pots. It is thought that these roots were once the staple food of Irish mortals, who gave up eating them as soon as potatoes were imported from the New World.

  Heather

  Heather is used in leprechaun cuisine to thicken stews and gravies on the sprite’s table; it can also be brewed into a fine beer which can be drunk along with the meal. The secret of making heather beer was once known to all, but over the years it was forgotten, and it is now one of the most famous “lost arts” of Ireland. It was certainly still known to two old Viking brothers who lived in Donegal in the mid-twelfth century, but upon their deaths it was forgotten and so lost. Now only the leprechauns remember the recipe. Heather stems are sometimes also served as sweetmeats at the end of a meal—a kind of digestif for cleansing both the palate and the teeth.

  Although the leprechaun finds food pleasant to eat, it is not essential to him. As long as he eats once in a while, he can go for days without partaking of any such nourishment. Poteen is more essential to him than a staple diet!

  CHAPTER 5

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  ARE THERE FEMALE LEPRECHAUNS?

  Throughout this text, the Irish leprechaun has been referred to as “he,” and there is a good reason for this. Although some folklorists may disagree, there is no substantive evidence for the existence of female leprechauns in Ireland. Niall Macnamara, in his book The Leprechaun Companion (1999), mentions a female of the species but gives little indication as to where she may be found. General opinion, however, noting the inherent solitary nature of the leprechaun, makes no mention of either marriage or courtship. He is portrayed as an isolated bachelor, with no female companion or counterpart.

  Grogochs

  This impression may not be strictly true, for the matter is complicated by the inclusion of the Scottish grogoch in the leprechaun classification. On the
Isle of Arran in the Firth of Clyde, grogochs are always considered female. A further complication is added by the definition of a Highland grogoch: this is a witch/wizard who has shape-shifting abilities and may change his other form and gender at will. In Brittany, the fées and lutins (little leprechaun-like spirits who either live in the wild or attach themselves to the houses of certain families) are usually considered to be female. However, in Ireland, the leprechaun is believed to be male.

  Leprechaun Reproduction

  This notion leads to the inevitable question: how do leprechauns reproduce?

  This is a problem that has never been satisfactorily answered, for the leprechaun is understandably reluctant to discuss the matter. A creature of utmost secrecy, he cannot be coaxed or cajoled into revealing anything regarding his courtship or reproductive practices.

  There are, however, a number of theories as to how leprechauns came to be.

  Most leprechauns claim to be directly descended from the Tuatha dé Danann, who are said to have arrived in Ireland around the third millennium B.C.E. However, there seems to be little basis for this claim. Almost every source describes the Tuatha dé Danann arriving in clouds from the east and settling on a mountain in the west of Ireland, causing a great eclipse of the sun as they did so. They were, say the ancient accounts, an extremely advanced, learned, industrious, and exceptionally tall and beautiful people. Some folklorists have compared them to the ancient Greeks. The leprechaun, on the other hand, is small and stunted, rather ugly, and in no way advanced or learned. Therefore, his relationship to the Tuatha dé Danann is extremely tenuous.

  However, this is not to deny that there may be some sort of connection, for some folklorists have described the leprechaun as an offshoot (or “by-blow”) of the Tuatha dé Danann lineage.

  CONQUERORS AND RULERS

  The Tuatha dé Danann fought and conquered tribes in Ireland when they first came there. They defeated the Fir Bolg at the battle of Magh Tuireadh. After ruling for many years, they fought many battles against the invading Milesians. Finally the two sides compromised; the Milesians ruled the upper world, and the Tuatha dé Danann ruled the land of the Underworld.

  It is well known throughout the Celtic world that fairy women find the process of giving birth extremely difficult. This is probably due to the fact that this event happens infrequently. Having no midwives of their own, they are forced to labor as best they can, or to employ the services of a human midwife who has greater knowledge of the birthing process. Stories of midwives in remote areas of the country being carried off by fairies to assist at a birth are found all over Ireland, from Donegal to Kerry, and in many other Celtic lands.

  The Fairy Child

  When the fairy child is born, it sometimes appears to be a small, wizened, ugly thing, which bears little or no resemblance to its often stately and beautiful parents. In most of the folktales, it is hustled away before the midwife can see it and seems to disappear from the story. Folklorists have suggested that these stunted and repulsive children form the basis of the leprechaun population. They are cast out of the fairy host, to become either changelings (sickly and complaining fairies who are sometimes left in the place of stolen human children) or the surly, dudeen-smoking sprites of the leprechaun clans. The fact that the leprechaun is, in fact, more or less an outcast from the mainstream fairy world is often cited as a reason for his sullen and antisocial nature, as well as for his elusive habits.

  All leprechauns, says this theory, are male because the proportion of stunted or deformed male children is much higher in the fairy world than it is in the human world (female fairies are always born radiant and beautiful, with no blemishes whatsoever), and their numbers are added to practically every time a fairy woman gives birth. There is no real evidence for this theory, as none of the stunted fairy offspring have ever been traced and there are no stories of them beyond their births. However, it remains one of the most plausible accounts of the origins of the leprechaun.

  CHANGELINGS

  There exists in Ireland and Scotland the tradition of the changeling—the fairy child substituted in the cradle for a human child, who was taken away to live with the fairies. For this reason, it was dangerous to praise a baby too much, as this might attract the attention of the fairy folk. Parents could guard against such fey abductions by turning the baby’s clothing inside out or dangling needles or scissors from the crib.

  Fairy-Human Unions

  Another theory is that the leprechaun is the product of an illicit union between a fairy and a human. From time to time, according to legend, certain mortals and members of the fairy folk met together as lovers, even though the church had expressly banned any form of consorting between the two. The product of this union was a small, stunted being—not quite human, but not quite fairy either—who would eventually become a form of dwarf.

  Certainly these human-fairy unions were quite common in former times in Ireland, particularly among great and heroic men. The Irish hero Dunlaing O’Hartigan, one of the foremost captains in Brian Boru’s army at the Battle of Clontarf in 1014, is said to have lain with the fairy woman Aoibheall and had a son by her. Before the battle, Aoibheall appeared in Brian’s camp and promised Dunlaing and his mortal sons two hundred years of life if they would put off fighting for one day. She told him that if he did not, he would be slain the next day, and she reminded the captain that they had an infant son—half human, half fairy—for whom he was responsible. Being a warrior, O’Hartigan refused, and he and his sons were killed the following day in a fierce battle against the Norsemen. Aoibheall eventually became a banshee—reputedly one of the first in Ireland—on the slopes above Lough Derg. No further mention is made of the half-human child, and some have argued that it might have become a leprechaun-like figure.

  “The Fairy Mother”

  A similar story comes from an old folktale from Urlaur Lough in County Mayo. Here, it is said, a fairy came to the door of St. Thomas’s Church, near the shores of the lough, to plead with her former partner to acknowledge their offspring.

  The priest had just begun his homily, and all eyes were fixed upon him, when outside the wind began to rise, like the scream of a thousand voices, and the day seemed to darken slightly beyond the church windows. The congregation shuffled and muttered among themselves uneasily, but the priest continued with his sermon, although his voice seemed to falter slightly.

  Then, over the shriek of the wind, came another voice which drowned out the drone of the priest. It seemed to be the cry of a woman in torment: “Come out! Come out!” And it named the son of a local gentleman, who sat in the congregation. “Come out and acknowledge what is truly yours.” The cry was accompanied by a hammering on the church doors which sounded like a roll of thunder.

  All heads turned, but the young man sat with a stony face beside his father, looking fixedly toward the altar.